The story you are about to read is purely hypothetical and is meant only for discussion.
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Sarah is a 20 year old Chinese girl who has recently finished her exchange program. As she stepped out of the arrival terminal, she was greeted by her mom. They hugged and exchanged the common pleasantries "how was your flight?", "it was okay.". Over her mother's shoulder, Sarah was surprised to see her uncle, Aaron. Sarah's mother has 7 siblings, 6 older (in the order of age: Uncle Aaron, Aunt Irene, Aunt Rebecca, Aunt Faith, Uncle Ted, Aunt Joyce) and 1 younger (Uncle Dennis). Sarah was surprised because Uncle Aaron and her family are not really that close; at most, they have dinner every once in a few months.
Uncle Aaron smiled and waved her over. He spread his arms, gesturing for a hug. Once again, Sarah was surprised because it is uncommon, at least in Sarah's family, to hug an extended family member. The hug went on for several seconds, longer than social convention and it was a tight and enthusiastic one too, which surprised Sarah even further. Now, over her uncle's shoulder, Sarah saw her mother shifting her weight uncomfortably.
The hug ended and Uncle Aaron chatted on amiably while putting his arm around Sarah's shoulder. Sarah is intrigued, why the sudden affection? Behind Sarah, Sarah's mom is gesturing wildly with her eye, telling her not to stay too close to Uncle Aaron.
Later, it was revealed that Uncle Aaron has a history of sexually harassing family members. Aunt Irene, Aunt Faith and Aunt Joyce were all harassed by the teenage Aaron. Aunt Rebecca and Sarah's mom were the only exceptions; Aaron never attempted to harass Sarah's mom while Rebecca had been quick witted enough to maneuver away from his touch. Apart from Aunt Faith who told Grandma, everyone kept their silence until they were in their 30s / 40s, where one by one, told Sarah's mother who was everyone's confidante. Upon learning the news, grandma stopped letting Aaron to be alone with his sisters. The matter was never discussed and after several years, Uncle Aaron got into college and lived alone.
For quite a while, Sarah's mother was the only one who knew the true extent of Uncle Aaron's perversion as no one wanted to share their story of violation. She planned to keep it that way, until Aunt Faith, now in her 50s, has two sons, been married then divorced, was again harrassed by Uncle Aaron, who is now also married. After seeing how Aaron was with her daughter, Sarah's mom (after seeking consent of her sisters) decided to tell everyone about Aaron's perversion, especially, Uncle Dennis.
In the end, the family decided to deal with it passively, whereby Uncle Aaron will always be seated between Uncle Dennis and his wife. No female family member were to hang out with him alone. They decided not to expose Aaron because doing so would destroy his wife. Moreover, Uncle Aaron is also one who value his face above everything else. Exposing him would destroy him. In addition, no one believed therapy would do much good seeing Aaron is already in his 60s.
However, many are fooled by Aaron's gentlemanly disguise and Aaron sometimes tutor neighbor's kids. He is now the long term tutor of a 10 year old girl named Fern, whose mother treats the chronic back pain for his wife. Most believe that Aaron is unlikely going to harm this girl as the masseuse is really important for his wife.
How would you have handled the situation if you have a say in this family?
What a heartbreaking story, ka Yan!
ReplyDeleteFamily are the people that we hold dearest to, people that we should feel safe/protected with- not to hold your guard up against! But then again, isn't it ironic that acts of violence and sexual assault are commonly acted out by people close to the victims?
By keeping mum about his escapades you are merely condoning his acts. Over time he may not even be able to differentiate between what is right and wrong anymore. Perhaps you could talk to him in private behind closed doors( but on hindsight since you're a girl it may be wiser to bring someone along to the intervention) about his problems and how it is hurting the family unit. Make it clear to him that he has to make a conceited effort to kick his habit and its either the family or his addiction. His choice.
The first step towards recovery is first admitting that you have a problem, and unless he sees it as a problem he is never going to change.
How many more victims is he going to claim? And can you live down with the guilt of being in the light but did nothing to stop it? This goes beyond protecting the family's reputation. It's about doing what is right.
I hope everything works out for the better.=)
The way I see it there's a lot more than interpersonal conflict going on here.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's really a complex problem you have there! It's more like morals and ethics. Let me attempt to analyze it first :)
ReplyDeleteI think that the concept of time should also be highlighted here. Now that everyone (victims and perpetrator) has grown up and married someone, and even have children, things get more complicated because there are more parties involved and more feelings to consider. Moreover, there are more perspectives and opinions to seek (eg. should the spouses have a say?).
Actually, I think that sexual abuse / harassment within family members is very real today - it happens. The reason why Ye Chuan may have thought otherwise is that family members tend to cover up for reasons you have stated above, and that's what makes it so hard to detect and have the true numbers for such crimes.
Aaron could have been stopped earlier if his first victim had spoken out against him back then. Of course, in the asian context, this is even more difficult to do because asian families are afraid of "losing face" and scandal (what would my friends say? What would my colleagues think?) However, each family member seems to have made the decision individually to move on and forget about the whole issue, and hope that Aaron changes for the better. Kind of like an "out of sight is out of mind" thinking. And with the passing of time, they now have their own family to think of; if they bring it out into the open, would they have their spouse's support, or disappointment?
Another reason they might have for not confronting him in the first place is the law. Sexual abuse is a criminal offense; Grandmother may have wanted to protect young Aaron from such a dismal and bleak path. After all, he is her son. Once again, time further complicates matters: now that Aaron has a wife, how is he able to financially support his own family if he was serving his sentence?
The case would be simplified (although such cases are never simple) if Aaron would be confronted earlier. The evidence seems to show that he is a perpetual offender: he has not changed at all, but seems to have shifted target to his younger family members instead. Will it be only a matter of time before he sexually harasses his own daughter instead?
Perhaps another point to consider would be how Aaron's wife would feel. Surely she should be taken into confidence at some point, too - how would she feel if she found out she was the last to know about her own husband's actions? Of course, this is a delicate matter and should probably be handled by a trusted third party - probably Sarah's mother, who by all accounts seem to be a good communicator - otherwise why would all of them trust her with such a sensitive issue? And maybe the problem would be much easier to solve with the help and support of Aaron's wife.
Sexually harassing a family member does not make it acceptable because you are all one family - in fact, it is much worse because family members are supposed to trust one another, yet Aaron has purposely broken that trust over and over again. Each of his victims have undergone a traumatic experience, and Aaron should be punished, or at least some action should be taken to deter him from similar future acts.
Doing the right thing may not always be the easiest path to take, but you should not let that deter you from doing what's morally right.
Just for curiosity's sake though, how would you solve this conflict, Ka Yan?